The other day I caught Max typing furiously on my iPhone. I said, “Max, you know you aren’t supposed to touch daddy’s phone.” He looked up, gave me a determined stare, and said, “Hold on! I’m writing you a message!” He wasn’t kidding. This is the email that was in the buffer:
Date: Sat, Aug 22, 2009
From: Max
To: Derek
Subject: TftyhgdalLlqqgSqag
-:3&55;; v hb. Cbvhjhjhjmnmnjjkiikijjijvdxxxxxcjj
That’s only marginally worse than I spell using Apple’s on-screen keyboard.
This just found in the “Is she still talking?” file: Palin had some harsh, folksy words for Obama about national defense:
Reducing Alaska’s defense readiness in these perilous times is a show of weakness, it is not a sign of strength. Washington thinks it’s best now to actually cut defense spending in Alaska by hundreds of millions of dollars. Now that is an odd priority there.
It’s not odd at all. Robert Gates’ budget actually increases overall defense spending by 4%. But more importantly, it shifts money from decisively failed programs (like Palin’s beloved missile defense) to spending that will actually help fight modern wars (i.e., those not started by Stalin). Of course I hate war as much as anyone, but it’s not going away, so the least we can do is spend money on technology that will bring more of our troops home and ruin fewer civilian lives instead of building useless, expensive missiles that will never justify their existence.
Sure, reality sucks for states that specialize in making useless, expensive missiles that will never justify their existence, but c’est la vie. The simple truth is that missile defense programs have been failing since before Reagan. It’s time to admit that and move on. Just because Palin’s state is at the forefront of obsolescence doesn’t entitle her to screech for federal money that could instead be spent protecting troops and civilians.
What grates on my nerves whenever this opportunistic harpy shrieks is her complete immunity to the hypocrisy of her folksy nonsense. I don’t understand how she can keep a straight face while condemning aligning defense spending with modern threats, making self-serving demands to fund proven failures in the name of national security, or decrying the loss of federal funds in the first place — after all, isn’t national defense a form of socialism?
Of course she saves the best for last, saying that Alaskans believe in “the roots of our country, so deep, so strong”:
They’re what we need to cling to. Clinging to, you know, that includes our clinging to our second amendment rights, and our faith in God. Many of us do cling to that strong faith in God.
Because nothing strengthens security like tossing the keys to the missiles to the nuts rooting for the Apocalypse.
We should forget about small efficiencies, say, about 97% of the time: premature optimization is the root of all evil.
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I’ll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil, perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.
On two occasions I have been asked, “Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?” I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.
Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!
I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC. As potential programmers, they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they’re not.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.
Perl: the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Saying that Java is good because it works on all platforms is like saying anal sex is good because it works on all genders.
XML is like violence: if it doesn’t solve your problems, you are not using enough of it.
I have made no secret of my disdain for hydrogen-powered cars (see here and here). In short, hydrogen fuel cells are a great technology for stationary applications like powering and heating buildings, but they make absolutely no sense in automobiles.
Steven Chu, the new U.S. Secretary of Energy, agrees. His department is cutting all funding for automotive hydrogen research. Woo-hoo!
If the money saved goes to better batteries for plug-in hybrids or other practical solutions, this will be a huge step forward.
Today I found a suspicious photo on my camera, one that I definitely did not take myself:
With hours of CSI rerun training under my belt, I felt more than adequately prepared to hunt down the identity of this camera-molesting hooligan.
The pint-size finger print I lifted from the camera lens at the crime scene quickly led me to a suspect, a well-known troublemaker around these parts.
But I had to be sure. My first instinct was to create a GUI interface in Visual Basic to see if I could track an IP address (a routine CSI task), but I feared that it would take too long. Fortunately I remembered that I could just press the enhance button:
When confronted with the irrefutable forensic evidence implicating him the crime, the suspect showed no trace of remorse. He simply shrugged and said, “I want yogurt.”
Chilling.
Not long ago I tried to score Leonard Cohen tickets at the Beacon Theater, which recently reopened after an extensive restoration. With the Beacon’s box office still closed due to construction, the only way to purchase tickets was through that filthy whore Ticketmaster. I know bitching about Ticketmaster is as original as taking a stand against telemarketers, but I need to vent.
Tickets went on sale at 9:00 a.m., and sure enough the show’s order page became available right on time. I selected two “best available” tickets, fought my way through the maliciously unreadable CAPTCHA, and was summarily rewarded with a message claiming no tickets were available. Wha..!?
I expected the 2,800 tickets to sell fast, but not in one minute. Curiously the site didn’t say the show was sold out, just that tickets weren’t available. Huh. I tried several more times with the same result. At 9:02 I called up Ticketmaster on the phone, worked my way through their IVR system, and tried to place my order again. Same outcome: no tickets available for this show.
I kept trying and a few minutes later I received a slightly different rejection: no tickets available through Ticketmaster, but try one of our affiliated sites. Tickets for this show were officially advertised from $65 to $250, so you can imagine my reaction to visiting ticketwhore.com (or whatever pimp affiliate Ticketmaster sent me to) and discovering that they had plenty of seats starting at $300 and going up to $1,300 each!
I find it perverse that ticket scalping is illegal while this bait-and-switch is perfectly legitimate. Even though I’m lucky enough to have more money than common sense, I felt so dirty completing the purchase form that I couldn’t go through with it. I’m sure the show will sell out, but I can’t let my dollars support this kind of nonsense.
There is controversy brewing in the Philippines surrounding whether the government should provide contraception to the country’s 90 million people, a third of whom live in poverty. The notion that family planing can reduce the high incidence of illegal abortions and raise the overall standard of living carries little significance with the powerful and oppressive Catholic Church:
The nationwide Pulse Asia Poll found nearly two-thirds of people support the bill. But the Catholic Church is fiercely opposed, and is pressuring lawmakers to vote against it.
“Why should we use contraceptives, teaching our children the use of contraceptives,” said Ed Sorreta of Pro-Life Philippines. “It’s totally against the teaching of the Catholic Church. The poverty is really caused by other issues, moral values.”
“When you talk about natural family planning, it needs discipline, that’s where many couples fail. They lack the discipline.”
Lacking in Mr Sorreta’s comments are details regarding any possible means by which the government might distribute discipline in lieu of contraception.
Furthermore, if (as Mr Sorreta suggests) the Filipino people are in poverty because of their lacking moral values, why would it be worse to be immoral on birth control, with fewer children and a higher quality of life? Will they burn 15 degrees hotter in the Lake of Fire? And what gives Mr Sorreta the authority to speak on this matter at all? For the answer we must look at the topic of a speech he gave at a recent fucktard convention:
Speakers also shared with delegates both the danger signs that a possible affair is about to start, and how to read the signs of a possible affair. Particularly powerful was the sharing from Mr. Ed Sorreta on how he and his wife survived his infidelity.
In addition to cheating, Sorreta also has a strong background in applied ignorance and a deep commitment to spreading fear and misinformation via his organization, Pro-Life Philippines. As a shining example, the site’s page on homosexuality (which I will not dignify with a link) opens with Michael Swift’s 1987 satirical essay titled “Gay Revolutionary,” which is presented with complete sincerity to ensure that readers have a proper fear of gay men sodomizing their sons before learning the “facts” about homosexuality (e.g., 70% of psychiatrists view [homosexuality] as a treatable pathology”).
I suspect that not many of the poverty-stricken women Sorreta wants to trap in destitute maternal servitude have access to the simple web search needed to reveal that they are being preached to about moral values and discipline by a condescending, dishonest shit with a lifetime achievement award in ignorance.
It enrages me that world-class fucktards like Sorreta are even in a position to speak on this subject, let alone make their stone-age preferences impact the lives of millions of poor people. I hope the Filipino government takes a stand on this one and knocks the church down a peg.
The saddest part of this story is that the Catholic Church has already convinced many that contraception is a sin. One woman, a mother of five who earns $2 a day as a maid, says, “Even if they say you’ll end up with too many kids, I don’t get swayed by their persuasions, I won’t use those contraceptives.”
Ninjas? Eccleston? France? Wayans?
This is not my G.I. Joe.
Another artifact of my childhood sold to the highest bidder.
FOX “News” is running what passes for a story over there that exaggerates an minor interaction between Obama and a jackass reporter to make it seem like Obama lost his cool. The title, “Obama Becomes Irritated, ‘Stares Down’ Reporter During Press Corps Visit,” sets the tone:
According to reports, when Politico’s Jonathan Martin asked the president about his nominee for deputy Defense Secretary, William Lynn, Obama refused to answer, saying he was not there to take questions.
“I came down here to visit. I didn’t come down here — this is what happens. I can’t end up visiting you guys and shaking hands if I am going to grilled every time I come down here,” the president said.
Pressed further by the Politico reporter about his Pentagon nominee, Obama turned more serious, putting his hand on the reporter’s shoulder and staring him in the eye.
“Alright, come on,” he said, with obvious irritation in his voice. “We will be having a press conference at which time you can feel free to [ask] questions. Right now, I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself to you guys — that’s all I was trying to do,” Politico reported.
The situation came to a close when a cameraman in the room declared: “I’d like to say it one more time: ‘Mr. President.’”
The nominee in question, William Lynn, is a former lobbyist for defense contractor Raytheon, a pick Obama made in contradiction to his much-heralded anti-lobbying rules.
Obama was willing to field lighter questions, though.
Yes, he’s discovered the gym in the White House residence. No, he hasn’t played basketball yet on the outdoor White House court because it’s been too cold.
Clearly the message is that Obama was hostile to the press and dodged a serious question, but was willing to make small talk. The asshat reporter is only characterized as politely asking a legitimate question. Watch the video (the “incident” happens at 3:20 if the link plays from the beginning) and judge for yourself.
If you watch the fist three minutes, you will see that Obama was in a lighthearted mood and made it clear that he was just dropping by to say hello, not to answer questions. A jackass reporter decided to make a scene, and Obama handled it firmly but professionally.
In addition to making a big disingenuous deal out of nothing, FOX then tries to pass the story as coming from the Associated Press, but their credit is transparent: “The Associated Press contributed to this report.” Translation: “We exaggerated an AP report to fabricate a conflict that reflects our ideology. This report, like all other FOX content, should be used for entertainment purposes only and not mistaken for actual journalism.”
If you want proof, just count the editing mistakes and punctuation errors in the original story. Amateurs.
Eric Cantor, Republican Whip and member of the House Ways and Means Committee, has written an editorial on CNN in which he stresses the risks of Obama’s stimulus plan and the dangers of a rising deficit. The punchline: he calls for transparency and accountability in government spending.
[We Republicans] want to keep the stimulus bill — as well as all other future economic “rescue” measures — limited in scope and transparent.
Seriously?
Let’s put aside for a moment that reckless federal spending has ballooned to previously unimaginable heights on the GOP’s watch, and that almost every problem Cantor mentions has spiraled out of control while he has been in office and his party has been in charge.
Instead let’s focus on the fact that just four months ago Cantor voted yes on the Emergency Economic Stabilization Act of 2008. Remember that little bill? It gave away $700 billion with virtually no oversight. Cantor even voted yes on the first draft, which was three pages long (so you know it had lots of provisions for transparency and accountability). Now, barely a hundred days after helping to hand out nearly a trillion dollars without asking for receipts, Cantor wants to be taken seriously as a champion for accountability and responsible government spending.
Seriously?
Mr Cantor, it’s time to shut up and let the grownups work. You blew your chance and your credibility several times over.
Seriously.