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- I entered my employer's biggest loser contest. Whoever drops the most weight in two months wins. My eating disorder has a corporate sponsor. 8 hours ago
- @tdeletto Congratulations! Your Kenny G Mind Rape Gift Basket has shipped! The tracking number is F-U. Thanks for shopping at the ADS! :-) 9 hours ago
- Today's contest: 1st person to spam me with a vacuous update from @foursquare AND @blipfm wins a gift basket from the Agonizing Death Store. 10 hours ago
- @fakesantos I had a friend who went for eye surgery and the laser cut his head clean in half like a watermelon. True story. 2010/03/09
- RIP @LaylaGrace 2010/03/09
- Must morning's salty promise of bacon ruin every diet I plan to start tomorrow while eating a Philly cheesesteak over the sink at 2 AM? 2010/03/09
- Thank you, Mad Men, for the boon to my sex life that is your weekly reminder that most dudes are chain-smoking, misogynistic douche nozzles. 2010/03/08
- You can rearrange the letters in the word MEETING to spell ENEMA. What? You can't? Damn sure feels like you can. 2010/03/08
- #How #dare #you #suggest #that #I #would #do #ANYTHING #for #attention! #oscars #earthquake #sex 2010/03/08
- Are those of you using the #quote hashtag not aware that a fairly standard "notation" for this "purpose" has "existed" for 500 years? 2010/03/08
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Derek’s Blog
Blog, lather, repeat. Always repeat.
Tftyhgdal
The other day I caught Max typing furiously on my iPhone. I said, “Max, you know you aren’t supposed to touch daddy’s phone.” He looked up, gave me a determined stare, and said, “Hold on! I’m writing you a message!” He wasn’t kidding. This is the text message that was in the buffer:
Date: Sat, Aug 22, 2009
From: Max
To: Derek
Subject: TftyhgdalLlqqgSqag
-:3&55;; v hb. Cbvhjhjhjmnmnjjkiikijjijvdxxxxxcjj
That’s only marginally worse than I spell using Apple’s on-screen keyboard.